The Last Ditch by Tom Paine

Link: Mr Eugenides: MP’s pay scandal.

I have nothing to add to this, which made me spill my evening drink. Thanks, Mr. Eugenides. I could never have believed that such a story could make me laugh.

It really is scandalous that our elected representatives are so poorly remunerated for their 160 days’ work every year. Not only should they be paid more, but on Fridays they should be transported back to their constituencies with great pomp and dignity on litters carried by lucky constituents randomly selected from the national ID database, with cheering crowds lining their routes and a train of elephants and peacocks following in their wake. Once back among their people, they should be sent the fairest virgins of the town to give them oral pleasure (non-virgins may be suitable substitutes for Essex MPs) and their bedchambers strewn with rose petals to ensure a sound and restful night.

Even these modest proposals would hardly constitute proper recognition for their selfless public service, but they would be a powerful reminder to our masters of the gratitude and quiet goodwill that millions of us bear in our hearts.