The Last Ditch by Tom Paine

Manchester United footballer Carlos Tevez's car seized by police – Telegraph.

It's a constant problem up in't Socialist North, which is one reason I could not wait to get away. My early career was largely propelled by an urgent need to escape harsh vowel sounds ridiculing all ambition. The air in Manchester has more parts per million of envy in it than of oxygen. United players need to be paid a lot more than Southern footballers to compensate them for living so far behind enemy lines. They can even be pulled over and scolded on suspicion of doing 55 in a 50mph area, though the commissars police constables admitted they couldn't prove it. Come the revolution, chuck, your fancy footwork won't save you.

Were I blessed with Mr Tevez's sporting talents, I think I would seek out an Italian club. Lamborghini has kindly donated a €165,000 Gallardo to help the carabinieri with their envy problem. I can attest that it works. They actually smile as a mere Maserati goes by. Come on Bentley, do the right thing before everyone not willing to settle for mediocrity has to emigrate.